Today has been a quieter day. Mum slept a lot today. Could not get her to eat. But generally quiet.
So I will talk about guilt
I often feel that I am not doing enough. Although I know I spend a lot of time there I still do not feel worthy. Why can I not make her eat? Why can I not make her happy? Why can I not make things better? It feels heavy so heavy. How can I help my dad to understand what is going on. It makes me scared of the future, to see my dads tiredness. I want to scoop them both up and resolve the issues. I know I am doing the best I can but my best is simply not enough. I know I have to live in the moment but I do find myself thinking of the future. Wondering how it will be. Thinking will I actually be able to cope. I also feel anger extreme anger........towards others who I feel do not help....towards the disease and it is simply awful. I am not what I would describe as an angry person so this is new territory for me and I really do not like it. I also feel guilt for leaning on the people who are probably feeling the same way as me. My little voice of reason who helps me always....am I putting too much pressure on her?
This disease is awful and although this is happening to someone I love it also has a huge impact on all of us around her. Not knowing what the day is going to be like. We already know the conversation and we know we have to play along but some days its really hard.
My point is to show you how hard it is......how hard it is for the whole family. I have to remind myself that I need to be kind to me too